When is the last time you danced on the street when you hear a good music?
When is the last time you exclaim how delicious the food you are eating?
When is the last time you smile to a stranger you pass by on the street, and just greet them and wish them a good day?
When is the last time walk around town and take pictures of them before they changes?
When is the last time you slow down your steps just to breathe and enjoy the sunshine, feel the breeze?
When is the last time you stop just to enjoy the music played by some good street musician?
When is the last time you sat down on the grass, with a book under the tree?
When is the last time you venture alone?
When is the last time you jump into a chance of happiness without thinking?
When is the last time you let time heal you?
When is the last time you let yourself fall in love?
Do it baby, before it’s too late, do it.
Slow down, dance, eat, listen to good music, tap your feet to a good rhythm you listen to on the street, read your favorite book, greet a stranger, venture into the unknown, sleep under the tree.
Let yourself heal and enjoy life again.
fall in love baby… fall in love like you never fall in love before…
‘Why are you so calm with goodbyes?’ He asked her.
‘Because at some point in our life, we will need to face it. Whether you are ready is not gonna matter. We, human, tend to hold on to something that is ready to leave us, sometimes not because they want to but because they need to.’ She answered.
‘I don’t want you to leave.’
‘You can stop me for a while, but you can’t stop me forever baby.’ She smiled her calm smile.
It’s a poetry about you and me, dear lover from the past.
So here it goes….
Air mata mengalir sendu, membasahi pipi ranum sang gadis
Penyesalan datang terlambat, memenuhi pelosok hati sang pemuda
Di laut asa penuh bimbang, menyeret kesedihan ke lautan dalam
Sang gadis menangis sendu senyap, sang pemuda menghujat menghujat kebodohan dirinya
Di pasir penuh seribu makna, air mata jatuh ke permukaan
Menyedot amarah dan kesedihan, dengan ombak lembut pengantar sayang
Matahari tenggelam ditelan laut, meninggalkan seberkas langit berwarna jingga
Sang gadis mengaguminya, sang pemuda tak ingin melupakannya
Kan kutulis sebuah cerita, tentang dua insan muda yang jatuh cinta
Memeluk cinta dalam kebisuan, menangisi sayang yang tak tersampaikan
Berdiam diri dalam kebingungan, menghela nafas tanpa kelegaan
Hanya tersisa waktu untuk menunggu, sang kekasih menitipkan rindu
Kan kutorehkan sebuah kisah, dua insan memadu kasih
Tali jalinan kejujuran rasa sayang, pernyataan hati yang abadi
– t.b.h.g , written on 6th July 2007
It was that one day that I was on a call with a good friend, and decided to open my old scribbles while talking to him.
The page was opened to this poetry from 10 years back, well nothing to say about the past that triggered me to write this piece, but I guess this is one of the poetries I have that I am confident enough to share it here.
Well, it turns out I am what we called ‘alay’ now, back then in 2007. LOL! This is a piece that I’ve written in a hurry before I lose all the courage and the crazy twenty seconds of insanity to post and publish what to be a very immature writing in content and grammar, so pardon me for a lot of ‘not well thought of’ words and phrasing here and there. 🙂
Here I am, in 2017. A month and a half before embarking on a new adventure, and still…
Simply, comfortably in love with you…
The Blue Hair Girl
So, this post will opened up a little bit of my dark past which I don’t believe many of people surrounding me have known before.
A few days ago, I’ve received a phone call from a friend, a best friend that I cherished so much, and the first three words she uttered was
“I’m so tired…”
And then the crying continues, the wish to end her own life was so genuine, that I who are staying in different town feel helpless because I’m so scared that she will really do it. She was holding a knife to her wrist, and attempted to cut her veins, which thankfully failed because she hesitate for a moment.
She told me that she wished to end her life. Frustrated because she can’t find the meaning and purpose to her life. The feeling like “no one will ever be affected if we for some reason disappeared suddenly” rang true in her voice and her cries. I practically begged her to let go of the knife and cried with her over the phone that night till she fell asleep and I too fell asleep, wishing I could keep her company that night to minimize or even better end her suffering.
I know some of you guys might be thinking this is going to be a piece of cliché written by some person who want to be some writers wanna-be. It might be true, and yes I am aspiring to be a writer, but that is not why I am writing this piece right now, right here in the same cafe that I come to every single day without fail when I was going through the darkest period of my life.
I am writing to tell you my side, our side of the story. The dark side that you will never know about people like us, who feel too much, think too much, and that particular group of people who think and attempt to committing suicide before.
Yes! By saying that I admit that I actually attempt to committed suicide before by sleeping pills which failed and I regretted the moment those pills came into my mouth. And no, I didn’t go through with it because I’m scared.
Some of you might called me coward for not going through with it, some will give me the nod of approval, but I’m not writing this piece to listen or receive that. And I’m cursing those people who utter the wish to commit suicide so easily just to seek for attentions, because that cause things worse for us.
We are those people who feel too much, think too much, and care too much. We are those people who check up on you every now and then, just to check that you’re doing fine. We are those people who will give and give and give, and worse yet that often times we don’t know when to take. We are those people who will be there for a friend in any way possible. We are firm believer of thinking positively about a person or anything practically until proven otherwise. Yes, we are those people who are genuinely doing our best to be nice, no matter what, to the point that it is annoying for some people. We are all of the above.
I’m not saying all people like me and my friend thought of committing suicide before, and before I continue let me make it clear to you that this piece is written based on personal experience and personal feelings. I’m not going to base my writings on some findings or research that took place in different environment and culture. This piece will be written as genuine and as real as our experience was and the feelings that we felt at the moment.
Let me tell you what we go through every other day. We feel too much, that’s why we cry at the slightest touching moment or laugh the loudest at the simplest jokes. We think too much, we are those people who are afraid to offend people at the slightest miniscule mistakes. We care too much and that makes us felt the impact of everything times double the ordinary people. Believe me when I say that are a lot of people like us in your surroundings, and if you can’t find one, then you might be one.
What most people don’t know about is that often times we go to our darkest place and when we are there, IT’S AN UGLY PLACE, and you don’t want to know or even go there. Most people think that our life is as easy as it seems sometimes, but don’t be fooled by us, because sometimes we are good at covering what we feel better too than most people. Our hearts get tired easily, and in a few extreme cases, we get so tired that all we can think is to escape this life all together.
But enough of the explanations and the stories that I’m hoping so much will makes sense to most people. All I want by writing this piece is that to tell you, a genuine person who thought of committing suicide now or before, that you are not alone in this world, and we get you, we get why you want to commit suicide, and that your feelings are not invalid. No matter what is the reason that makes you wants to end your life, no one and nothing shall be allowed to discredit anyone’s feeling like that.
But by saying that I urge you to slow down and think about your decisions to attempt to end your life, not because that your reasoning is invalid or you have no reason to feel like that, but because trust me that the moment you do it, that’s going to be the moment that you regret the most, and often times it is too late to undo it. I was one of the lucky ones because I regret it the moment those pills touched my lips, and it was not too late for me.
I guess all I wanted to say is that…
You are not alone… you are not the only one who thinks that your world is crumbling down and falling apart…
Your feelings are as genuine as it could be and no one should judge you for feeling the way you do…
Life is hard and I know sometimes that our problems are difficult to solve, causing us to feel lost, but please believe me that the one more day that you live and persevere, there’s hope still for us and our problems.
And I urge you, most people, to listen to the cry of help and not discredit it because you can’t relate to it. Trust me that by listening and staying beside us while we cry our tired heart out is enough to make us feel that there are still hope, in case you don’t know what to do or say.
Last but not least, I want to say this to my best friend, that you are important to me, and you are a part of me, my home girl, my soulmate, and my sister from another mother, and trust me when I say that if you are gone, my life would be very different and I don’t think I can bear the thought of not having you in my life. So please hold on, and I’ll be here for you no matter what.
The Blue Hair Girl
I went through all my diaries from a few years back a while back. Reading through it page per page. The horror of how immature my writings in terms of grammar and structure were enough to make me feel embarrassed for the rest of 2016.
Then I went through another piece of poem I’ve forgotten. I forgot that I wrote it, it’s true you know, I even checked through google if it’s just me writing down some song lyrics I found meaningful to me. I forgot the feelings behind that piece of writing. And, somehow I knew deep down I have fight my all to forgot the event relating to that piece of writing.
Have you ever feel that? That one moment where you want to just sleep for a long long time and hope everything is just a dream, and when you opened your eyes, everything is fine and he is there with you where he was supposed to be? You took a deep breath and sighed and you feel relieved at that second, but then you open your eyes again and see that your world, your life is falling apart.
I lose control of everything in my life because it was forcefully taken away from me by my closest person, and the person who I thought will protect me from everything, just left like that. Do you want to know what’s worse? After a while, every one that’s related to the event act like nothing has happened.
Funny isn’t it? How they are unaffected by it, the actions they took based on their emotions, and I was the one who felt everything in the end, and I was left alone in that dark hole. I wouldn’t even recognized myself at that time If I was to look at myself. I cried my eyes out, it was so easy for me to broke down at that time.
But I don’t remember how it feels anymore, after some time, my feelings got numb. Slowly with all the numbness that I felt, I gain back control of my life. Slowly all the things happened becomes blurry. But that’s all in the past now, I’ve move on with my life.
I’ll let this story be an unfinished one… my life story’s cliffhanger…
Until I can tell a complete story of it, I’ll just be
Simply, comfortably in love with you…
The Blue Hair Girl
I don’t know how long the road is, and I don’t know will the song play on the radio. I don’t know how long will it take for you to find your way back into my arms.
And when the new moon shining through your window, and when the sad song playing on the radio. With the memories flashback to you just out of blue, and your tears roll down your cheeks without you knew.
That’s just me… thinking of you.
You may find that I’m not easy to forget, take your time to understand all that you don’t. But just remember, there’s someone here waiting for you to find your way into my arms.
If you guys are expecting another blog post of romance and my love life, I’m sorry to disappoint you.
Before I write this piece, let me make a statement to disclaim that I write these words with the intentions to blame someone or any particular group of person. If any of the readers feel that way, I deeply apologized.
No, I write this piece with the intentions to acknowledge how human I am and how human the people surrounding me. With all of our flaws and imperfections that comes with it.
Every job comes with occupational hazard, and then there’s mine. For every mistake, every single honest mistakes, as the front person of my team, I’ll be the one taking the blame. Much to your nightmares, that’s how it is in my line of work. and you know what, that’s okay! Cause in time, I’ll get better and everything will be okay. Everything will be fine, the main thing is that after every blame I get stronger and upgrade myself with a better stress-tolerance, and a better skill, a much more knowledge, and definitely much more wiser.
In my line of work, if you can do that and you’re okay with doing that, you’ll go far than you will ever imagine. And a bonus for you guys, during times like these, you’ll get to see who is your true friends and the one that you think is your good friends but talk about you behind your back. Who is the one you can truly depend on, and really put your trust upon them.
So this piece is really written based on my personal experience, with no intentions whatsoever to corner any particular person at all.
These past few weekends, there’s a lot of lessons learned, and sadly some friends and people to leave behind, so we can move on.
I’ve learned that, not everyone who smiles at you, are sincerely smiling towards you. They might smile and talk kindly, but remember what they do behind our back is what counts.
I’ve learned that, most of the time, the one who doesn’t know anything or everything will be the one who talk the most, or more likely complaint the most.
I’ve learned that, that sometime how harsh the criticism is, when you accepted it sensibly and analyze everything thoroughly, you can upgrade and better yourself because of those harsh criticism.
I’ve learned that, whatever happened to you, it’s up to you how to turn it around and get the best outcome you can.
I’ve learned that, you really should not put some people as your priority because they do not deserve to be your priority at all.
I’ve learned that, no matter how good the skill you had, and how much hard work you’ve give out, sometimes people will still complaint without noticing any of the effort you have put in those works.
And once again, my friends, if you’re okay with all these things above, you’ll be okay.
Because what’s most important is you keep your high self-esteem intact. What’s most important is that you know that you have given your best with the condition and situation you are faced with.
Let me be honest in this post, did I get upset about it? Oh yes I do, I actually get teary-eyed receiving the criticism in the first place.
I get upset when everything is not going to what I expected, not under my control, but that’s how the world runs. You can’t always get what you want, cause the world doesn’t work like that. It isn’t fair but in some way it is fair.
All I wanted to say is that, I’m sad and happy at the same time.
I’m sad that the people who I thought was my friend, has disappointed me when he is not being a true friend, not saying all the things that I need to know to my face, but instead talk about it behind my back. Then again, it has taught me something valuable, that not everyone is gifted with the gift of being a true friend, who dare to tell me all the things that I need to know, no matter how harsh it is, to my face knowing that the friendship might be at stake here, but still choose to do it for my benefit. And for this matter alone, I’m happy for everything that I have learned in the past few months.
For this just means that I’m once again weeding out the people in my life and surround myself with the people who really wants to be my TRUE FRIEND, and that just means once again I just upgraded my life quality once again.
At the end of the day, I can live just fine, knowing that I put my trust in the right circle of friend. The friend who will tell me everything I need to know to my face, not back-stabbed me and bring me down for their own benefit.
And for that, I’ve no regrets whatsoever of every thing that happened in these last few months. No regrets over lose of a friend, knowing that he is not a true friend.
And in that one moment, all I can tell you is that I am finally, truly, genuinely happy.
So here I am signing out this time not in love with anyone but
Simply, comfortably in love with my life…
The Blue Hair Girl
Dear you, yes you who are still residing in my heart.
It’s 3 am in Milan, and in this freezing cold weather, I’m still thinking of you.
In this crispy cold dawn, I’m awake thinking of you and how much I want to talk to you.
No we don’t talk everyday like we used to, we don’t talk much now. Cause I’m so scared the more we talk, the more I figure out that you don’t love me as much as I do.
No, don’t apologize for not loving me back, Love doesn’t work like that. The one that we love doesn’t have the obligation to love us back.
At first, I thought you are just another crush that will went away after a period of time, but no, you didn’t go away. You stayed in my heart comfortably, permanently.
It’s 3 am in Milan, and these thoughts of you are just running in my mind. In this freezing cold air of the dawn, my mind is empty and you are the only one, that appeared in this empty silent dawn.
I went on this Europe trip to clear my head and gain some control of my heart, but it’s proven to be failing miserably.
I thought the neutral place where there are no memories of you here will help me clear up my head and my heart. But no, I realized it doesn’t work like that.
Cause the echo of you is in my head, the memories that I keep in my heart is of you. The moments we had are the ones I keep dear to my heart. It’s not even a big important moment, but many of a small ones.
It’s 3 am in the dawn, and I’m writing this from Milan, a few hundreds miles away from you. A few days before I am back home for a few hours in the same town with you.
But, the thoughts of being in the same place with you, even though we do not meet each other, didn’t make me excited like I used to. Instead I’m dreading it, scared that I saw through your heart and find all the answer that I’m dying to know but so so scared to face the truth.
I walk through waves of people, driven through thousands miles, explored town through town, country to country here, and yet your uninvited shadows are still in my mind. Neutral place, but nothing neutrals with my heart when it comes to you.
People usually wrote ‘with lots of loves’, but no I couldn’t write it like that. So I write this from Milan, at 3 am in the dawn, with lots of hearts. Cause a big part of my heart are still with you, a big part of my heart are still having mixed feelings for you.
And from this place, thousands miles away from you, I am…
Simply, comfortably in love with you…
The Blue Hair Girl