And to Let You Go…

I’m thankful for my years spent with this family, everything we have shared, every chance we had to grow. I’ll take the best of them and lead by their example; where ever I go. A friend told me to be honest, so here it goes.

This isn’t what I want, but I’ll take the higher road. Maybe because I look at everything as a lesson, or I don’t want to walk around angry. Or maybe it’s because I finally understand.

There are things we don’t want to happen, but have to accept; things we don’t want to know, but have to learn, and people we can’t live without , but have to let go.

—- JJ, a character from the series ‘Criminal Minds’ on season 6 episode 2

• 

• 

This is a post dedicated to two of my closest person who are embarking into their new adventure.

The peoples who so graciously accept my fierce friendship even when they are younger than me. The one who brings me down back to earth when my mind get so lost up in the sky. The one that I thought I will be leaving then when I got the job offer in my dream city but eventually my life plan take a turn into where I am now.

To two of my SaoTaiTais, I wrote this with a bunch of mixed emotions.

I’m scared of the fact that our distance isn’t going to be a two-hours drive anymore. I’m scared of the fact as we go on with each of our own journey, we will grew apart.

I’m happy, so so happy that you guys got a chance to spread your wings, I know that you guys have been waiting for these opportunities, and yet I’m sad at the same time for all the same reasons that I’m scared for the changes that are happening in the near future.

I need to be honest, this isn’t what I want, but I know that I can’t hold you guys back, and that isn’t my intention either. I’m sorry if I was distant the past few days, I was taken aback by the news and still processing everything, even now while I’m writing this piece.

I’m sorry I couldn’t tell this to you guys personally, because I honestly don’t know what to say.

For the sake of being honest, I did for a moment feeling abandoned by you guys, because you two are an important part of my support system, my life. This is what making me distant, because I feel the need to adjust and to re-learn being independent without you guys in my day to day to life.

But, I’m not writing these words to vent about my sadness and making it a pity party for myself. I’m writing these words as wishes for you guys.

I wish you guys that the best chances out of these opportunities will come to you, that these opportunities will be your learning curve, the biggest chance for you to spread your wings. I wish you both a cool-headed thinking when you face obstacles and go on your path.

I hope you guys learn lots and lots of lessons that you wouldn’t be able to learn if you stay here in Indonesia. So I hope you guys stay open to learning, and be humble to accept that you need to learn it.

I wish for you both all the best adventures and lots of fun during those adventures, try new things and eat various food, and experience new cultures that will enriched you as a women and as a person.

Moreover, I wish you both an abundance of self-love, a fierce one to get you through the days. Confidence that will get you through every problems, self-assurance and self-respect that you will need when there’s no one besides that believe in you. Just remember that I’m here always for you both, though not physically for the time being.

As much as I want to wish you that you meet only the kindest of people but I realised that it is quite impossible for it to happen, thus I wish you the strength to face them and the courage to stand up to them. Remember we can never trust someone not to betray us along the way, but trust ourselves that we can handle the betrayal and move on from those betrayal. Always be kind, choose the kindest options, because your strength are seen in those options.

Lastly, I hope both of you my best friends, remember that you deserve to be loved by the kindest, purest love because I feel sometimes you forget that you do deserves it. But until you do find that love, I wish you both…

Simply, comfortably in love with yourself.

—-t.b.h.g

The Rain Stops In Paris…

The rain stops in Paris, as I walk through rue Montcalm, heading home. Feeling the chilly morning air while I opened the window of my small apartment.

The rain stops in Paris, as I smells the fresh baguette that was being display by the boulangere. The crispy bready sounds as I cut through it for breakfast.

The rain stops in Paris, as I stand in awe in front of  the Les Nympheas. Silently admiring the brush stroke of the artwork among the sea of people passing by.

The rain stops in Paris, as I stroll around the Seine River, admiring the calm river, and enjoying the laid back life I have in Paris.

The rain stops in Paris, as I take the metro to get to the heart of the city. Reading my books as I waited to arrive at my stop.

The rain stops in Paris, as I climb up the Eiffel Tower. The view from all the way from 324 metres up there leave me breathless and definitely makes me feel small, in a good way.

The rain stops in Paris, as I take a sip of the famous Angelina’s hot chocolate. Never have I ever feel so guilty and sinful drinking something so delicious in my life.

The rain stops in Paris, as I take my camera out, taking pictures circling around the Latin Quartier. Chanced upon a small vintage cute bookshop and get to sip a cup of coffee while observing the tourist and people visiting Notre Dame.

The rain stops in Paris, and the heartbreak too. My broken heart slowly starts to heal, and I found myself loving my life again.

The rain stops in Paris, and I am once again…

Simply, comfortably in love…

—- t.b.h.g

---

It’s been 6 months from Paris, and I still can’t get over the fact that my Paris trip is over. All that I want and all that I can keep thinking about is that I need to go back there asap, and have another 3 months long trip to the City of Lights.

This piece is written for me, to celebrate my healing phase, which prove to be very helpful and long lasting. I’ve never been in love with myself like now since a few years ago.

After a long time beating up myself for the past I have, I’ve never feel as good as now. It feels kind of like ‘the rain stops in Paris’ 🙂

And once again folks, I’m

Simply, comfortably in love…

The Blue Hair Girl

“This morning she woke up and she chose the black boots she kept in the closet for a long time, and picked the black tops and the black bomber jacket she bought a year ago. She picked all the things she did not dare to wear a year ago.

And when she speak, she did not lose her honesty this time round. Her witty words rang with truth, and at exactly this moment, she couldn’t care less about the people surrounding her, nor does she care about the fragile heart who couldn’t handle the truth in her words. For she knows that hiding the truth is going to take a toll on her soul, and she’s been careless with her own self, with her own heart all these years.

And, you will know from that instance, that she’s not going to have your ‘sweet talk of nothing more than a bullshit’ meant more than what it is, that she will only see your actions not your words. And, oh boy, she does not mess around this time, one shady thing from you, she will be out of the door, not going to turn around, nor does she will be hoping  that you will go after her.

She has decided that herself is the important one right now, that her goals shouldn’t be put aside just to make others happy. She has decided to stay true to herself, decided she’s not going to only exist, for this moment, she’s going to live…”

— a becoming reality…

—- t.b.h.g

‘And I don’t need any poetic words, nor do I need any sweet romance.

All I need is you beside me at every #sunset, every day to come, and the proof that you will catch me every time I fall.

So love me fierce, love me wild, love me at every sunset to come.’

 

—- t.b.h.g

A Fearless Year…

2017…

The year I decided enough is enough, and the year I decided to go on adventures alone to a stranger land far away.

The year I decided to go all across the globe to meet the one, and yet another heartbreak happened.

The year I finally decided that my heart really needs a break, and finally found myself again in the midst of ancient Paris, lost and wandering yet I found myself again.

The year where I decided to stay quiet no more when it is time to speak up, and many people think I’ve changed when in truth I just stopped being quiet about the things that matter to me.

The year I get to finally see how fearless I’ve become.

The year I found back my self-love, attempt self-healing, and reach another milestone on my self-actualization.

The year I finally let go and fulfill half of my bucket list, and add a few to my list.

People always do a new year resolutions, but let’s face it, only a few really actually act on their new year resolutions, so here I am not to say anything about 2018 but to just keep going, to keep upgrading myself in the minutes, in the hours, and in the days to come. To keep being fearless, and to keep aiming high on my goals. To stay in love with myself and to stay in love with life.

2018 will be a year of hecticness with a few important weddings while deciding on a very big decisions I have to made, and I’ll keep going on while

simply, comfortably in love…

 

The Blue Hair Girl

 

 

A Hundred “I Miss You”s

I told the sky that “I miss you”, and the sky went gloomy with me…

I miss you… I miss you…

I told the wind that “I miss you”, and the wind went cold with me…

I miss you… I miss you…

I told the earth that “I miss you”, and the earth turned dry with me…

I miss you… I miss you…

I told the birds that “I miss you”, and the birds sang a sad song for me…

I miss you… I miss you…

I told the leafs that “I miss you”, and the leaves turned red to distract me with it’s beauty…

I miss you… I miss you…

I told the rain that “I miss you”, and the rain fell harder to cry with me…

I miss you… I miss you…

I told the sea that “I miss you”, and the waves dies down in silence for me…

I miss you… I miss you…

I told the mountains that “I miss you”, and they console me with their stillness…

I miss you… I miss you…

I told the cup of coffee that “I miss you”, and it kept me awake during those days I miss you too much I don’t want to get out of bed…

I miss you… I miss you…

I told the walls that “I miss you”, and they bear witness my loneliness…

I miss you… I miss you…

I told the books that “I miss you”, and they did their best to entertain me with the stories written in them…

I miss you… I miss you…

I told the pen that”I miss you”, and the pen told me to write my words…

I miss you… I miss you…

I told the empty pages of my diary that “I miss you”, and they stay still as I wrote my misery…

I miss you… I miss you…

Every single particle on my body screams it…

I miss you… I miss you…

Every single fibre of my being exudes it…

I miss you… I miss you…

A hundred “I miss you”s have been said every single day since I know you…

I told everyone I miss you… and they told me to tell you…

I told everything I miss you… and they echoed my words to me…

I miss you… I miss you… I miss you…

I told the sun that “I miss you”, and the sun shine brightly to cheer me up…

I miss you… I miss you…

I told the moon that “I miss you”, and the moon dimmed his light to let me sleep and dream of you…

I miss you… I miss you…

I told the dog that “I miss you”, and he whimper to agree with me…

I miss you… I miss you…

I told the goldfish that “I miss you”, and she stares back at me who are staring mindlessly thinking of you…

I miss you… I miss you…

I told the cat that “I miss you”, and the fat furball purr lazily to answer me…

I miss you… I miss you…

I told the flowers that “I miss you”, and they wilted as they misses you too…

I miss you… I miss you…

I told the water in my glass that “I miss you”, and the surface stayed calm as I circled my fingers on the brim of the glass…

I miss you… I miss you…

and my eyes watered a little when I said to myself that “I miss you” for the hundredth times as another day went by…

I miss you… I miss you… I miss you…

I told the pillow that “I miss you”, and it told me to sleep so you’ll appear in my dream…

I miss you… I miss you…

I told the blanket that “I miss you”, and it kept me warm as I met you in my dreams…

I miss you… I miss you…

I told a stranger that “I miss you”, and he smiled and told me to be missed by a girl like me is a blessing, but sadly you don’t realised that or rather you don’t know yet…

and I miss you… I miss you…

I told the bartender that “I miss you”, and he shook his head as I gulped down my drink in sorrow…

I miss you… I miss you…

I told the clock that “I miss you”, and the time goes by in silence…

I miss you… I miss you…

and as I stared at our pictures at night, I keep repeating to myself that “I miss you”

I miss you… I miss you…

and my best friend told me that I sleep-talked, and the only thing that I said is that “I miss you”…

and I miss you… I miss you…

As I took another breath, I miss you…

As I cleared out all my thoughts, I miss you…

As I closed my eyes, I miss you…

And for the umpteenth times, I miss you… I miss you…

—- t.b.h.g

---

Challenging myself to pass the time for the countless times, while missing someone that is so far away from me. Someone who is in a different timezone, different continent. There’s a hundred “I Miss You” in this post, hopefully these “I Miss You” reach my tall french man who is seven thousands miles away from me.

Hopefully my words relate to those who are in the same positions as me, hopefully these words written can make the one you are missing realised that you are missing them and hopefully, I wish, that they reciprocate your feeling.

Tu Me Manques – You are missing from me…

Till the next time I get to see you again, I’ll be…

Simply, comfortably in love with you…

The Blue Hair Girl

A Letter To My Best Friend, The Bride-To-Be…

Dear My Best Friend,

Congratulations for the upcoming wedding! As I was writing this letter at 3am in the morning, because I can’t sleep being excited that you are getting engaged and married soon, I can’t help being happy, excited and sad at the same time.

You are starting your wedding planning now, and be rest assured that I will be there beside you every step of the way. We will have fun deciding the theme, colours for the wedding, picking out dresses and flowers, arranging the day, maybe you’ll cry along the way because of the stress that you can’t decide on the cake, maybe I’ll be the one who cry seeing how beautiful you are in many wedding dresses that you try on, and cry even harder than your mom the moment we found “the dress”. Don’t worry babe, we will go through it all together I promise, and I promise we will laugh about it in the end during our scheduled teatimes with our children in the future.

The first time I met you at our volunteer work, the only thing that crossed my mind was “I wanna slap this girl” but then you approached me and tell me to stay the night instead of going home and coming back the next day, even though you are sharp-mouthed but I know I was drawn to you and I feel how similar we are in being as real as we possibly can be. That moment I knew, I found someone much more important than any lovers I could find in the future.  The only person that I know will stay in my life forever, and now it has been 9 years after that first encounter, and yet it is proven to be true, you are still here in my life, no matter how we fight, how we argue, how we always point out each other mistake bluntly, our friendship stays strong and going stronger throughout the years. Sometimes people can’t handle us, some even worse, they thought we are lesbians. #friendshipsgoals

We are there for each other for the many mistakes we made, for all the heartbreaks and drunk nights after the heartbreaks. Remember the night you scold me after I almost crash the wedding of that ex of mine? The many other times I scold you for crying for some worthless ex of yours? We always says that maybe that’s why we are separated in two cities by God, we are too overprotective of each other, we won’t be able to approve each other’s boyfriend. 9 years of friendship and we are still talking like we don’t mature with time, still do some crazy things, still covering each other’s asses, still doing ‘our crime’ together.

Funny isn’t it? How our friendship works? We are two very different people. You wear sexy clothes, and I wear comfortable one most of the times. You like make up and I don’t like makeup at all. I read all kinds of books and you will only read several that I recommend to you. I write and you don’t. You always have guys falling on their toes, and I am comfortably witnessing all the stupid things that they did just to get your attentions. I like to eat so much and you are the Diet Guru, although it’s always fail because every time we hang out, you somehow order as much food as I am. HAHA!

Hey remember the time we fight that we almost really push each other off, and I was miserable the whole day, and you were mad the whole time, and we just hug it off and cry it off and voila! We are fine again no matter how much we shouted at each other in the morning. Do you remember how we almost got into a fight with your ex in the mall? Well it didn’t happened even though I wished for it so much, because you pull me to leave.  I’m still pissed off to this day about it. There’s a lot of many other things that we do to pissed each other off and somehow no matter how annoyed we are with each other, we always come back together and grew stronger out of it.

You are getting married soon, and baby, here I am, happy, excited and sad all at the same time. Happy that after so many heartbreak that we went through together, you finally found your person, someone that you can depend on, someone that you can call “home”, and I know that this person is the one for you, after all the many things we do to be sure of it. HAHA!

Here I am, so excited that I can’t sleep at 3 am in the morning because of the many things that going to happen in your life. You will reach another milestone in your life, and all the fun wedding planning we will be doing in the next few months. Not only that, but I am also excited that even though you are getting married, I know we will still do so many stupid things together, and not only that I know we will pull your hubby-to-be to be a part of those things too. No matter who will we marry, we are still the “dumb and dumber” to each other’s. Doing all the stupid things we always do still no matter how old we are.

And yet I am sad that after you get married, I will need to share you with your husband, but don’t worry babe, I know you will make time for me. 😉

Last but the most important, I write this at 3 am, to wish you the very best, my sister from another set of parents.

I wish you all the wisdom to be a good wife to your husband. I wish you be bestowed with all the grace to go through all the obstacles that you will face in your marriage as you grow with it. I wish you the patience to be the mother of all your children in the future. I wish you a good sense of humour, that you find something worthy to laugh for in everything that happened in the future, be it bad and good.

I wish you the humility to admit your wrongs to your husband and the generosity to forgive him the one mistake he makes and the good memory to remember all the thing he did right instead. I wish you the confidence that you guys love each other and no matter what happened you will have the modesty to go through it all together and grow stronger when you come out of it. And finally I wish you love, so much love that you guys fight for no matter what happened, no matter it is 3 years ahead or later when you guys are white-haired and wrinkled.

Lastly, I wish that both of you are…

Simply, comfortably in love with each other.

Sincerely Yours

The Blue Hair Girl.

Paris. DOs & DON’Ts!

Salute!

It’s almost a month now I’ve been back to Indonesia. Still not believing that I am already back to routines, already back home. Believe me or not, I’ve been looking for ways to go back to the city of lights before even boarding the plane back to Jakarta.

I might or might not find a new love, but that’s another story for another day. Well this post is solely to give you tips and tricks about visiting Paris, if you haven’t check out the first part of these tips & tricks, you can click here to check it out.

I don’t think I will ever expressed enough times how in love I am with this city. The people, the language, the city, and the historical and the vintage feeling it exudes in so many ways. Well, I’m already missing for the weather, missing for the simple “Bonne Journée” from the strangers you met in the laundry, a Parisian lunch, Angelina’s hot chocolate, the dented overused stairs full of history. But here’s a list of things that are useful for traveling to Paris.

• First of all, I must say, GIRLS, PARIS IS ALWAYS A GOOD IDEA. There’s something about the city that always makes me feel good, no matter how down am I, or how heartbroken I am. It is a beautiful city, filled with beautiful people speaking beautiful language.
• When you go for a lunch in Paris, do be patient, all I can concurred from my two months in Paris, eating in restaurant is considered a leisure and they really do take the time to enjoy it. So, learn how to enjoy your meal too. In additional, always read the board that has a writing on it that were usually placed at the entrance. They usually tells you about the specialty of the day, or ‘plat du jour’. Don’t ask for a ‘menu’ if you want to look at the menu card, because in France, “menu” or “formulae” means a set meal. Ask for “la carte”, and they will simply bring you the menu card. Another simple tricks for a good French Bistro, look how many seniors citizens who are eating at the bistro, the more are they means you are in for a treat. (Disclaimer: this is a tip from a local friend of mine, as to how true it is, I’m not responsible, but if it counts, it has been working for me for the two months I am in France)
• “L’Addition” is french for checks or bills, and always add “s’il vous plait” which means “please”everytime you ask for something. When you ask for help always say Monsieur or Madame, don’t call them garcon  or porteur because it is considered impolite, instead use sir or madam. 🙂
• I wouldn’t considered Paris to be a good destination if you are traveling with a baby, unless you are aiming to go to the Disneyland, but all the rest of it is more suited for lovers or couples in my opinions.
• Have picnic in the park when you are there. A good sandwich, a good book, a glass of wine or any drinks that you prefer. A leisure time under a tree will never go wrong. LIKE SERIOUSLY! Psst, check the weather though, that’s the only thing that could go wrong.
• Go for dates, if you are single. A glass of wine in the terrace or even dinner maybe, is always a good idea to get to know someone new. Be open to all the possibilities. You really never know… 😉
• Always greet back to the salesperson if you enjoy shopping in Paris, it’s part of the experience to let them know what you are looking for.
• Dress sensibly. Paris is the fashion capital, yes, but that doesn’t mean you will see what you see in the runway in the middle of the streets of Paris. So dress sensibly, don’t over exaggerate or dress to the extreme, dressing well to the occasion and the weather is always a preference there. Please do keep yourself warm in the winter though.
• Go for a walk in Paris during the day and the night. It’s two different experience. Paris by day and Paris by night is as equally beautiful.
• It is in my personal opinion, a must for everyone to go to the summit of Eiffel Tower for once in their life. To experience such a magnanimous experience is beyond expressible by any words. You will realised that you are just a simple human being, and it put everything into differents perspective. Well at least they do for me.
• Another small tip from me, go to the local perfumery. It is seldom to see perfume if you are looking for it in the counter. The mainstreams brands sometimes just provide you with two options, eau du parfum and eau de toilette. They have local brand like Fragonard that sells perfume that smell wonderful and last for a whole day.
• Always check the closing hours of the famous places you want to visit, and plan your itinerary beforehand. But don’t get too caught up with it, remember you are in Paris, go with the flow.
• Go for Angelina’s hot chocolate. It will be the best hot chocolate you’ll ever have in Paris. It’s around 8 euros, and you can share it, because it is thick, almost bordering on chocolate sauce kind of thick.

Well, I think that’s all the tips & tricks I can give you all. Drop me an email if you want to know more or ask on specific thing. I hope you guys have fun in Paris when you decide to go for adventure there, and I hope these tips & tricks are going to be useful for you guys.

Hopefully, I’ll be able to go back there, who knows maybe I’ll move there for good. But till then, I will be

Simply, comfortably in love with Paris…

 

The Blue Hair Girl

Strangers After Today…

You were a stranger before yesterday…

And you’ll be stranger after today…

A memory to keep… A name to vaguely remember…

A feeling of unfamiliarity every single time someone mentioned you or your name… 

There’s someone who turn into a stranger like this before you… 

And there will be another in the future… 

Just two stranger sharing a table and two separate cups of the worst coffee in town… 

And maybe when I totally forgot about you in the future… 

When we are back to being a total stranger, we will do this again in another coffee shop, in another town, another part of the earth, in another period of time, in another lifetime… 

—- t.b.h.g

Comment Allez-Vous?

Bonjour a Tous!

Je suis en vacances a Paris. C’est tres bien ici! 🙂

Well that’s as much as I can go with my french, at least for now. It’s been exactly two week that I live here in Paris.

It’s been an exhilarating experience so far, being alone in a foreign country, where I don’t know the culture or even the language. Liberating in so many different ways you can imagine.

Traveling does makes you open up your mind. Your problems seems smaller and unimportant. In the past two weeks, I feel myself coming back to me. I guess it’s true then, that traveling is essential to self-actualization. Enough about me though, I’m writing this piece to give you some insight and tips about traveling in Paris.

• If you’re travelling for more than a week, go and find an AirBnb apartment instead of hotel, because it’s much cheaper than staying in a hotel. Be informed that the apartment here is quite small and most of them don’t have escalator or lift, so be mindful with the size of your luggage and the weight, because you will need to carry them up and down. Also that sometimes, they shared  bathroom per floor, so please pick the apartment carefully when you are browsing the app.
• Let’s face it, Paris isn’t the safest place, so beware of pickpockets and robbery, and also beware of the gypsies scams. If you are approached by some stranger you don’t know, just smile and walk away. If you saw someone playing guess ‘where’s the ball?’ on the street, don’t get tricked and play with them.
• Paris is a big city, and a place of destinations. It’s prone to be targeted for a terrorist attack, so the security is strict here. Open up your bag for the security to check whenever you are going to enter the mall or famous places. The line could be very long so open up your handbag before you are in front of the security. It’s a normal procedure here so there’s nothing to be afraid of. You just scan and then you go!
• Go get a NaviGo Card at the ticket booth at any metro station nearest to you if you are going to travel around Paris. It’s 5 Euro for the card and 22.80 Euro for zone 1-5 for a week, means you can just go anywhere by bus, metro, tram, train just using this card. You’ll need an ID picture to be pasted on your NaviGo Card, so be prepared. But if you don’t, they usually have a photomaton for you to take the pictures.
• Here are some of the list of the metro stations to the famous places and the museums, and some of my favorite place to eat.
  • La Tour Eiffel – Trocadero
  • Musee Du Louvre – Palais Royal
  • Shakespeare & Co. Bookshop – Saint Michel
  • Notre Dame – Saint Michel
  • Quartier Latin – Saint Michel
  • I will update more when I go to more places.
• The Metro System is the same with Singapore MRT System, but they do have more lines. So just be careful and make sure you take the right line and stop at the right metro station.

 

So that’s it for this post, I will write more post and write more tips and secrets, and more list of metro stops to places that I think you should visit when you are in Paris.

Au Revoir!

Sincerely…

Simply, comfortably in love…

 

The Blue Hair Girl

A Poetry From The Past…

It’s a poetry about you and me, dear lover from the past.

So here it goes….

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

Pernyataan Hati

Air mata mengalir sendu, membasahi pipi ranum sang gadis

Penyesalan datang terlambat, memenuhi pelosok hati sang pemuda

Di laut asa penuh bimbang, menyeret kesedihan ke lautan dalam

Sang gadis menangis sendu senyap, sang pemuda menghujat menghujat kebodohan dirinya

Di pasir penuh seribu makna, air mata jatuh ke permukaan

Menyedot amarah dan kesedihan, dengan ombak lembut pengantar sayang

Matahari tenggelam ditelan laut, meninggalkan seberkas langit berwarna jingga

Sang gadis mengaguminya, sang pemuda tak ingin melupakannya

Kan kutulis sebuah cerita, tentang dua insan muda yang jatuh cinta

Memeluk cinta dalam kebisuan, menangisi sayang yang tak tersampaikan

Berdiam diri dalam kebingungan, menghela nafas tanpa kelegaan

Hanya tersisa waktu untuk menunggu, sang kekasih menitipkan rindu

Kan kutorehkan sebuah kisah, dua insan memadu kasih

Tali jalinan kejujuran rasa sayang, pernyataan hati yang abadi
– t.b.h.g , written on 6th July 2007

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

It was that one day that I was on a call with a good friend, and decided to open my old scribbles while talking to him.

The page was opened to this poetry from 10 years back, well nothing to say about the past that triggered me to write this piece, but I guess this is one of the poetries I have that I am confident enough to share it here.

Well, it turns out I am what we called ‘alay’ now, back then in 2007. LOL! This is a piece that I’ve written in a hurry before I lose all the courage and the crazy twenty seconds of insanity to post and publish what to be a very immature writing in content and grammar, so pardon me for a lot of ‘not well thought of’ words and phrasing here and there. 🙂

Here I am, in 2017. A month and a half before embarking on a new adventure, and still…

 
Simply, comfortably in love with you…
The Blue Hair Girl

 

A Friend in Need…

So, this post will opened up a little bit of my dark past which I don’t believe many of people surrounding me have known before.

A few days ago, I’ve received a phone call from a friend, a best friend that I cherished so much, and the first three words she uttered was

“I’m so tired…”

And then the crying continues, the wish to end her own life was so genuine, that I who are staying in different town feel helpless because I’m so scared that she will really do it. She was holding a knife to her wrist, and attempted to cut her veins, which thankfully failed because she hesitate for a moment.

She told me that she wished to end her life. Frustrated because she can’t find the meaning and purpose to her life. The feeling like “no one will ever be affected if we for some reason disappeared suddenly” rang true in her voice and her cries. I practically begged her to let go of the knife and cried with her over the phone that night till she fell asleep and I too fell asleep, wishing I could keep her company that night to minimize or even better end her suffering.

I know some of you guys might be thinking this is going to be a piece of cliché written by some person who want to be some writers wanna-be. It might be true, and yes I am aspiring to be a writer, but that is not why I am writing this piece right now, right here in the same cafe that I come to every single day without fail when I was going through the darkest period of my life.

I am writing to tell you my side, our side of the story. The dark side that you will never know about people like us, who feel too much, think too much, and that particular group of people who think and attempt to committing suicide before.

Yes! By saying that I admit that I actually attempt to committed suicide before by sleeping pills which failed and I regretted the moment those pills came into my mouth. And no, I didn’t go through with it because I’m scared.

Some of you might called me coward for not going through with it, some will give me the nod of approval, but I’m not writing this piece to listen or receive that. And I’m cursing those people who utter the wish to commit suicide so easily just to seek for attentions, because that cause things worse for us.

We are those people who feel too much, think too much, and care too much. We are those people who check up on you every now and then, just to check that you’re doing fine. We are those people who will give and give and give, and worse yet that often times we don’t know when to take. We are those people who will be there for a friend in any way possible. We are firm believer of thinking positively about a person or anything practically until proven otherwise. Yes, we are those people who are genuinely doing our best to be nice, no matter what, to the point that it is annoying for some people. We are all of the above.

I’m not saying all people like me and my friend thought of committing suicide before, and before I continue let me make it clear to you that this piece is written based on personal experience and personal feelings. I’m not going to base my writings on some findings or research that took place in different environment and culture. This piece will be written as genuine and as real as our experience was and the feelings that we felt at the moment.

Let me tell you what we go through every other day. We feel too much, that’s why we cry at the slightest touching moment or laugh the loudest at the simplest jokes. We think too much, we are those people who are afraid to offend people at the slightest miniscule mistakes. We care too much and that makes us felt the impact of everything times double the ordinary people. Believe me when I say that are a lot of people like us in your surroundings, and if you can’t find one, then you might be one.

What most people don’t know about is that often times we go to our darkest place and when we are there, IT’S AN UGLY PLACE, and you don’t want to know or even go there. Most people think that our life is as easy as it seems sometimes, but don’t be fooled by us, because sometimes we are good at covering what we feel better too than most people. Our hearts get tired easily, and in a few extreme cases, we get so tired that all we can think is to escape this life all together.

But enough of the explanations and the stories that I’m hoping so much will makes sense to most people. All I want by writing this piece is that to tell you, a genuine person who thought of committing suicide now or before, that you are not alone in this world, and we get you, we get why you want to commit suicide, and that your feelings are not invalid. No matter what is the reason that makes you wants to end your life, no one and nothing shall be allowed to discredit anyone’s feeling like that.

But by saying that I urge you to slow down and think about your decisions to attempt to end your life, not because that your reasoning is invalid or you have no reason to feel like that, but because trust me that the moment you do it, that’s going to be the moment that you regret the most, and often times it is too late to undo it. I was one of the lucky ones because I regret it the moment those pills touched my lips, and it was not too late for me.

I guess all I wanted to say is that…

You are not alone… you are not the only one who thinks that your world is crumbling down and falling apart…

Your feelings are as genuine as it could be and no one should judge you for feeling the way you do…

Life is hard and I know sometimes that our problems are difficult to solve, causing us to feel lost, but please believe me that the one more day that you live and persevere, there’s hope still for us and our problems.

And I urge you, most people, to listen to the cry of help and not discredit it because you can’t relate to it. Trust me that by listening and staying beside us while we cry our tired heart out is enough to make us feel that there are still hope, in case you don’t know what to do or say.

Last but not least, I want to say this to my best friend, that you are important to me, and you are a part of me, my home girl, my soulmate, and my sister from another mother, and trust me when I say that if you are gone, my life would be very different and I don’t think I can bear the thought of not having you in my life. So please hold on, and I’ll be here for you no matter what.

Yours Sincerely

The Blue Hair Girl