So, this post will opened up a little bit of my dark past which I don’t believe many of people surrounding me have known before.
A few days ago, I’ve received a phone call from a friend, a best friend that I cherished so much, and the first three words she uttered was
“I’m so tired…”
And then the crying continues, the wish to end her own life was so genuine, that I who are staying in different town feel helpless because I’m so scared that she will really do it. She was holding a knife to her wrist, and attempted to cut her veins, which thankfully failed because she hesitate for a moment.
She told me that she wished to end her life. Frustrated because she can’t find the meaning and purpose to her life. The feeling like “no one will ever be affected if we for some reason disappeared suddenly” rang true in her voice and her cries. I practically begged her to let go of the knife and cried with her over the phone that night till she fell asleep and I too fell asleep, wishing I could keep her company that night to minimize or even better end her suffering.
I know some of you guys might be thinking this is going to be a piece of cliché written by some person who want to be some writers wanna-be. It might be true, and yes I am aspiring to be a writer, but that is not why I am writing this piece right now, right here in the same cafe that I come to every single day without fail when I was going through the darkest period of my life.
I am writing to tell you my side, our side of the story. The dark side that you will never know about people like us, who feel too much, think too much, and that particular group of people who think and attempt to committing suicide before.
Yes! By saying that I admit that I actually attempt to committed suicide before by sleeping pills which failed and I regretted the moment those pills came into my mouth. And no, I didn’t go through with it because I’m scared.
Some of you might called me coward for not going through with it, some will give me the nod of approval, but I’m not writing this piece to listen or receive that. And I’m cursing those people who utter the wish to commit suicide so easily just to seek for attentions, because that cause things worse for us.
We are those people who feel too much, think too much, and care too much. We are those people who check up on you every now and then, just to check that you’re doing fine. We are those people who will give and give and give, and worse yet that often times we don’t know when to take. We are those people who will be there for a friend in any way possible. We are firm believer of thinking positively about a person or anything practically until proven otherwise. Yes, we are those people who are genuinely doing our best to be nice, no matter what, to the point that it is annoying for some people. We are all of the above.
I’m not saying all people like me and my friend thought of committing suicide before, and before I continue let me make it clear to you that this piece is written based on personal experience and personal feelings. I’m not going to base my writings on some findings or research that took place in different environment and culture. This piece will be written as genuine and as real as our experience was and the feelings that we felt at the moment.
Let me tell you what we go through every other day. We feel too much, that’s why we cry at the slightest touching moment or laugh the loudest at the simplest jokes. We think too much, we are those people who are afraid to offend people at the slightest miniscule mistakes. We care too much and that makes us felt the impact of everything times double the ordinary people. Believe me when I say that are a lot of people like us in your surroundings, and if you can’t find one, then you might be one.
What most people don’t know about is that often times we go to our darkest place and when we are there, IT’S AN UGLY PLACE, and you don’t want to know or even go there. Most people think that our life is as easy as it seems sometimes, but don’t be fooled by us, because sometimes we are good at covering what we feel better too than most people. Our hearts get tired easily, and in a few extreme cases, we get so tired that all we can think is to escape this life all together.
But enough of the explanations and the stories that I’m hoping so much will makes sense to most people. All I want by writing this piece is that to tell you, a genuine person who thought of committing suicide now or before, that you are not alone in this world, and we get you, we get why you want to commit suicide, and that your feelings are not invalid. No matter what is the reason that makes you wants to end your life, no one and nothing shall be allowed to discredit anyone’s feeling like that.
But by saying that I urge you to slow down and think about your decisions to attempt to end your life, not because that your reasoning is invalid or you have no reason to feel like that, but because trust me that the moment you do it, that’s going to be the moment that you regret the most, and often times it is too late to undo it. I was one of the lucky ones because I regret it the moment those pills touched my lips, and it was not too late for me.
I guess all I wanted to say is that…
You are not alone… you are not the only one who thinks that your world is crumbling down and falling apart…
Your feelings are as genuine as it could be and no one should judge you for feeling the way you do…
Life is hard and I know sometimes that our problems are difficult to solve, causing us to feel lost, but please believe me that the one more day that you live and persevere, there’s hope still for us and our problems.
And I urge you, most people, to listen to the cry of help and not discredit it because you can’t relate to it. Trust me that by listening and staying beside us while we cry our tired heart out is enough to make us feel that there are still hope, in case you don’t know what to do or say.
Last but not least, I want to say this to my best friend, that you are important to me, and you are a part of me, my home girl, my soulmate, and my sister from another mother, and trust me when I say that if you are gone, my life would be very different and I don’t think I can bear the thought of not having you in my life. So please hold on, and I’ll be here for you no matter what.
The Blue Hair Girl